But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Walking in a Dream

Ok, Claire, or as many know her just-fine.diaryland.com ,just broke the silence that she is coming down, so now I feel like I can finally put it in my diary :) I have been so excited, and it has been part of my motivation to do well. A big part, actually...
For those of you who don't know Claire, she also has diabetes and an eating disorder. She has been through so much, and we met on diaryland about two years ago. I really care about this girl.
In other news, I slept most of the day. Every time I woke up it was out of a nightmare. I thank anainsight for telling me this is because I just went right off of my Lexapro... I just got it refilled today. I knew I would be depressed without it, and I tried to fight it. I just didn't think I would fall so quickly, so hard...
It really sucks to realize how dependent you are on an SSRI for a good mood.
So I would get up, binge and purge, watch some telly, and go back to bed. My aunt stopped by and I didn't want to answer the door. Even next to me they seemed so far away. I had just eaten almost a whole pan of cupcakes, two hot pockets, a bowl of cereal, and two yogurts. Exhausted, nauseous, all I could think about was how I needed to throw up, get them out of my apartment...
And I hate myself for it because I love them so much, especially my little cousin.
As soon as they left I purged and crawled back into bed. More nightmares... This time about stealing soda and cigarettes from a Wal-Mart in the middle of nowhere and being left there. I was with my mom and grandma in it. It wasn't as bad as the others...
I woke up, hunted for a few bottles of soda in my closet as I am out of money, binged on the last of the cupcakes, yogurt, and hot pockets.
Vomited again. I don't understand how it became so easy for me to purge. It is almost effortless. I used to panic when I purged, afraid that it would not come up, that I would be over the toilet for an hour, crying and weak...
But not anymore. I can read something while vomiting. Sick, I know...
But so much better in a way. I feel so distanced from everyone. I do not want the phone to ring, I do not want to see anybody, I do not want to participate, to study...
I only want to cease to exist.

8:02 PM - Saturday, Apr. 02, 2005
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dying - living