But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Breaking the Diet
A little smile of sheepish embarassment is trying not to break out from behing my lips. I got asked on a date tonight! A real date! Not one of those, "So, how about I, uh, bring a six pack over, (which turns into a 24-pack) and we drink?" No, a dinner and movie type date! Okay, I'll admit, I barely know how to handle myself in this situation. The last time I got asked to go on a real date was to prom, and then I ended up in the hospital. The guy, we'll call him Steve (In case you guys haven't figured it out yet, almost all the names in here are changed, except a select few who know about this diary, and my family.) tried to get off of work but couldn't, so he ordered me dinner and we ate in at the store. He said, "Aren't you going to eat more than that?" Honestly, he ordered sesame chicken, and I couldn't eat more than a few bites. I was so full, having not eaten all day. Embarassed and not wanting to look like "one of those girls who doesn't eat in front of guys" I managed to eat half of it. But later my stomach was killing me. I thought to myself, "I am not going to screw this up." And I'm not. I am not going to let this be like it has all the other times. I am not going to let some guy order me around, tell me what to do...etc...
Then I went to the Marissas' place. Only one of them was home, and she was bored, so we went grocery shopping. At the store she decided that it would be fun if I sat in the child seat (you know the fun ones they have made especially not to bore kids?) so I did. This was at a 24-hour Safeway, where the partyiers were on the prowl. I guarantee if we hadn't been truly filling that cart they would have kicked us out! Afterwards we went back to her place, and by then the other Marissa was there, as well as Jack and his brother, so we just sat around and watched, "How to Lose a Girl in Ten Days."
Of course, I sat eating Reese's Pieces.
Of course, I hadn't taken one unit of insulin since dinner, afraid of all the calories....
Of course, I was obsessing over all of this and trying to deny it to myself at the same time.
As soon as I got home I realized I just wanted to binge and purge, as to not think about what I had eaten. It occured to me that I almost didn't go out. And then I realized that I am close to falling back into this again; I could easily slip back into anorexia or bulimia, possibly both. Standing in the cool air of the night in a pair of boxers and a sweater, watching the smoke from a Marlborro light curl into the sky, I realized how I cannot do this. How I cannot obsess over my weight. How I need to concentrate on school, friends, and controlling my sugars, and eating healthy.
Because I cannot go back to the hospital. I cannot be caged like that again.
But more than anything, I cannot suffer through one more second of eating disordered hell. I am done with it. I am sick of it. I know every inch of it; well enough to know that I do not want it.
5:10 AM - Sunday, Mar. 13, 2005
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dying - living
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