But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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The Battle
Last night I went to the liquor store to buy sweetener for my coffee, and the owner, who wasn't working, had been drinking. The smell of rank alcohol seeping from his pores permeated the air around him, and as I turned to go he kissed me on the forehead. "Come on Gwen, come drink with me in the back. Come on, I know you like soda, you can have all the soda you want, huh?" I said no, and he tried to pull me. I clung to the counter. Shiko*, obviously embarassed, talked to his son who was running the store, and they both ignored it. He pulled on me, and I hit his hand away. Luckily, a customer walked in, and he let me go.
"Come on Shiko*, we are leaving." I went to bed early, shaken up by the incident. Lately, I dread every waking moment, and look forward to the second the lights are dim, and sleep seems like it might be possible to attain.
And he was on me. I tried to fight him away, but I could not. Hopeless, helpless. I screamed. He entered me, and I fought, helplessly. He pulled out, and cum squirted onto my stomach. I was suddenly in school, running. Back in high school. But there was nowhere to hide. Everyone glared. He was after me. Murder and rape on the mind.
I woke up drenched in sweat. I whisper to myself, "It was only a dream. Only a subconsious thought." So vivid, that if I showed emotion more I would have cried.
I am out of Lexapro. I am becoming more reclusive.
Do not eat. Binge and purge. You look horribly fat. Look at you. All you have to do is not eat and nothing else. You cannot even perform the simplest of tasks! You are a coward. That is why you choose recovery.
They are only thoughts, and I must remind myself that sickness is much easier for me, the easy way out, and this, this is a struggle. I must remind myself of my goals, what I have to live for, and my dreams.
And when none of those seem possible, I must look at the stars, because their existence seems impossible as well. I must believe, when all else fails.
Never have a touched a star, but I know it is there. I believe in the beauty I see.
5:53 PM - Wednesday, Jan. 05, 2005
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dying - living
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