But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First Good Dr. Appointment
I did it. I made it to the appointment to see my endocrinologist with a list of good blood sugars. My HbA1c also dropped from 17 to 9.2, and he said it would have been closer to 7 if my sugars hadn't been so high before. Also, the reason my feet are burning constantly is because my nerves are healing, which is a relief. He told me that I didn't have to come back for three months if I thought I could do it, but it was really up to me when I came back. I thought about it, and three months said to me, "Wow, just think of how much weight you could lose, how high you could run your sugars, think of all the Reese's, the macoroni and cheese, the pizza... think of all the binges and purges you could get away with."
Three months! Oh, I would die!" I exclaimed rather animatedly.
Luckily, he knew where I was coming from, and agreed. I am going back next month. Appointments to the endocrinologist are feared, and they are helpfull. The best are difficult to lie to, and can see right through you be reading your doses and glucoses.
The day before I was so nervous that I paced back and forth, walked back and forth between the kitchen, and eventually succumbed to bingeing. I thought, "Too bad, I won't take my insulin. I don't need it. Who cares?" But after a few hours I felt sick. And I had to vomit. So I headed to the toilet, not really caring, vomited my guts up, checked my sugar, and then reality hit me.
I had to take an injection. I did have to see the endocrine tomorrow. And why sabatoge myself the day before?
Because I feared I wasn't being perfect enough, so why not be good at being the worst...?
But it was too late for that. And I really worked hard to make this a good appointment. Luckily, they saw how hard I was trying, so the few days on vacation where I didn't check didn't get me in trouble.
And today, today I am doing well. And I will keep doing well. This is the longest I have been in recovery for, and that, in itself, is amazing to me.
4:54 PM - Saturday, Jan. 08, 2005
0 comments
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dying - living
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
