But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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I Will Not Last In This False Utopia

So much do I want to please. To prove everyone that wrong that said recovery in full wasn't possible. That said I couldn't do it.
But I find myself eating. Bingeing on Reese's Fastbreaks and 100 Calorie Cracker Packs.
I can't do it. I have an appointment at UC Davis with my endocrinologist and how I wanted to show him that I was doing well, that he had helped me so, but I just can't do it.
I am not happy. I hate recovery. I hate trying to be well. I am the dry bulimic. I need to binge, to purge. Every day without bingeing and purging makes every minute a bit less worth living. I need to be thin. I need to eat. I need both. I need to eat until I have to vomit my guts up. To live in the exhilerating world of high blood sugars. My own rush, my own high. The veil that keeps me from reality.
God I miss it. Like killing an old friend. I want it so bad.
I won't last. Every waking second is a battle. I find myself detesting every moment that I am concious, praying for sleep again. I won't last. I will be thin again...
And as much as I loathe it, as much as it destroys me, it feeds my hunger, my desperation for something lost as well...

4:02 AM - Tuesday, Jan. 04, 2005
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dying - living