But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Vacation= Relapse Temptation
I am so exhausted...
Our train arrived back past midnight. Then I went shopping at the 24-hour Safeway with my roommate, because there was no food in the apartment.
But I escaped. The trip home was miserable. My mom and I constantly battled over small things, she saying that I would inevitably end up in the hospital again, calling me names, refusing to take me grocery shopping...
She couldn't see how far I had come. How hard I was working. Praise me for my efforts. I was trying. Begging her to help me in my mission to prove I can get better by just giving me a ride to the store. But she wouldn't and I knew I had to eat...
And there was pumpkin pie, apple pie, coffee cake, chocolate brownies, ten kinds of sugar cereal, and ham and turkey in the fridge. And that was also all there was. But she told me that I would live, that I could eat it. That I didn't need my own "Special foods."
So I tried. I tried to eat it, tried to tell myself it was the holidays, I tried...
But soon I found myself skipping doses, than taking less Lantus. I wouldn't check my sugars, I couldn't bear to see the HI on the meter. I found myself weak, vomiting over the toilet, bingeing, only to purge...
And then I missed it. "Welcome Home!" It seemed to say. And everything was okay. I was myself again. But it is always more difficult to sustain energy when old habits are repeated, and lethargy crippled me like an aging sloth.
Shiko* decided that we were leaving. She said that we had to come back, with no real explanation of why. I feel terrible that she came, that we did nothing there, that she had to experience the hell.
I keep fighting for recovery. I feel that it is because I am too weak to sustain sickness. That in reality I fear the torment of pain that illness brings. Because the only thing that I gain from recovery is more energy. Illness brings the body I desire. Or, perhaphs, death brings the emaciation I hunger for...
It will only be when I am dead and purely bone that I will enjoy my size; a pity I won't be able to enjoy anything.
But I won't not be able to enjoy or regret anything at all...
3:01 AM - Thursday, Dec. 30, 2004
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dying - living
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