But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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It Will Be Okay...

The real test always comes when food is consumed in mass quantity.
Baley and I went to Subway. I ordered a six inch sub and also three cookies for "later." Later turned into the moment I finished the sandwich. We then drove to the liquor store and I ate three candy bars on the way home. I wasn't planning on purging until I finished the second one. But then I knew I had to. I drank a liter of soda and put prepared a package of noodles I found stashed away in my closet, knowing that it would be impossible to do well at home.
And then... then I thought. I have been doing so well with food. Even in my extremely depressed state, with the family feuds, with the Christmasless winter...
Why throw it all up, throw it all away? So I decided that I wasn't going into the bathroom, no matter how badly I had to urinate, I wouldn't walk into temptation. I would sit here, and I would deal with it. No matter how gluttonous and ill I felt. So here I sit. Typing. Because when I eventually die, it isn't going to be from low potassium or high blood sugar due to an eating disorder. I dialed up the insulin, took the injection, and that was the final act. I couldn't purge now. When I purge and take my insulin my sugars drop dangerously low...
I am leaving tomorrow for the holidays. I am taking the train to my mother's, back into the fiery cold Hell, where bitterness and hate are the atmosphere's contents. But I will be okay. Somehow things always work out in the end. Somehow I have come this far. Somehow I am alive today. And I don't even know how it is possible.
I am sorry if I have worried anyone. I will break it down as best as I can. As much as I can put it into words. I am terrified. I fear the catastrophy the future brings. By the summer I am losing my medial insurance, because my mother is quitting her job. My medications alone amount to over $15,000 a month, sometimes $25,000. I am terrified of how I will live. I cannot survive without them, and without the majority of them I feel too ill to get out of bed, too weak to breathe... And I fear how I will buy all my school supplies next semester, how I will pay my bills, get to my doctor's appointment... But most of all the medical insurance plagues my mind. No one will insure me. My insurance has payed over three million, and CCS has payed close to one million.
It has been driving me mad. And it is only out of selfishness that I am mad that my mom is quitting her job, and out of fear that I am angry at her for it. But even she says she doesn't know what I will do, how I will live, and she is evasive when I bring up the subject...
In a way I am lucky. I am getting better now. I am really doing it. This is the longest that I have gone without relapsing. And as synical as I may seem, as morbid as I may come off, I am so grateful for everything that I have, for every beautiful day, for the moon and the stars, for the sun, for all the walking creatures of the earth, and all the friends I have been given...
I know it sounds sappy. But I truly believed, not too long ago, that my life would be filled with tube-feedings, heart monitors, IVs, hospitals, tests... Days of bingeing and purging tens of thousands of calories, blood sugars reading "HI" and legs so thin and weak that they felt as if they would turn to dust beneath me when I stood.
So perhaphs I should stop worrying. Because someday everything will be okay. And I will quit considering suicide as an option. I will somehow get proper insurance. One suitable for me, when I am well...
I won't be updating for about a week. Have a wonderful Christmas everyone. I love you all. You are the people that keep the good in this world.

10:55 PM - Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004
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dying - living