But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Worshiping the White Devil Bowl

Head hanging in the toilet bowl, three fingers jammed down the throat so far that the wrist touches the lips. Body shaking, hot, miserable. Choke, caugh, sputter, try to take a breath... tortilla mixed with blueberry comes up.. Caugh, sputter, and suddenly a wave of vomit. You all know the story. The brown flecks along the white bowl. An alluring devil. I look in the mirror. My eyes are red and bloodshot. My cheecks are swollen, and my whole body looks puffy. I despise this image who looks so sadly back at me.
I did not plan on bingeing. I did not plan to purge. I went next door to my neighbors house, who got mad that I didn't find interest in hearing a basketball player on TV talk about his career. He got mad. I left.
I opened the cupboard. I took out the Chips Ahoy 100 calorie packs. I hate the Chips Ahoy ones. I ate seven packages. I moved onto a stale box of freezer burnt ice cream sandwiches. I put them back. I took them out again. I took some insulin, thinking, "I can't do this. And I can't throw up." I ate the box. Then a package of tortillas. Then I drank some Diet Dr.Pepper.
God help me, it was all over. And I am going to throw up again.

11:29 PM - Sunday, Dec. 12, 2004
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dying - living