But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Autobiography A life in Years 2-Brother Alex born. Dad was having an affair. Began to act strange as well. 4-Dad threatened to kill whole family. Mom, Alex and I left Germany. Had no money, clothes, etc... Alex had no records of birth. Left at grandparent's house so mom could go get her teaching degree because she didn't want to be a lawyer with two little kids. I hated it in the country and at the GP's house. They were strict, mean, and I didn't speak English. I threw up almost every night from lead poisoning I contacted in Germany, and my Grandma constantly called me a glutton. She once stuck her fingers down her throat to get the food out of me that was making me ill, but I still remembered it later, and did it to myself for other purposes. 5- Cried because I had to be "stuffed" when I was a pumpkin for Halloween and it made me look fat. 6- Yay! My mom rescued my brother and me and we moved away from the evil grandparents :) I spoke more English and was allowed to start kindergarden. 7-Learned a bit more about sexual abuse than any seven year old should be subject to. Decided I was fat and should be ugly. Began to pull out my eyelashes because everyone told me they were pretty. 8-Moved back to the town w/the GPs. Grandma noticed I was pulling out eyelashes. Began to put zostric on my fingers to stop me. 9-Very happy in third grade as weight plummets. Then diagnosed with Type I diabetes. Diet put into place, along with five injections a day. Still pulling eyelashes. Grandma has reverted to extreme measures to stop this, including not allowing me to see my mother, housework, no school, no phone, no tv... I don't want to do it but I can't stop. I start vomiting and can't eat much I am so sad. 10-Atkin's Diet starts. Now Grandma has another thing to yell about. I start to vomit meals. I don't eat lunch any longer. I eat breakfast bc the GPs force me to. I am only in fourth grade. The exteme measures for the trichoticklomania go on. 11-They give up on the eyelash pulling. My sugars are too concerning now. I am constantly dipping low, and I am below where I should be on the growth charts. I am proud. I fit in slims. I puke with the shower water on. 12-I am sent to UCSF for care. They find out that I am not being fed nearly enough by my doctor at home, and are shocked by the atkins diet. I am in sixth grade now. I am put on a 3,500-4,500 calorie diet. I grow six inches and gain twenty-five pounds. I still care about not getting fat, but I love school too much, and my aunt says if I don't eat I have to go in the hospital. (Sadly, the last year I did grow.)I move back home. I stop eating. 13-I haven't been to UCSF in a year. They don't like that I have lost weight. They look at my sugars. They call Stanford. They do some vitals. I am admitted to Stanford for one month. 14-I have two admissions at Stanford, then I am kicked out of the program for severe noncompliance and because they can't help me. I refuse to eat there, and have to be tube-fed. 15-I almost die and wind up in UCSF with six hours to live. Two weeks later I am sent back to Stanford, who agrees to take me because no one else will. I spend six months out of the year here, and 42 days in Center for Discovery. 16-Happy Birthday at Stanford! I spend six months out of the year at Stanford again, then I am transferred to Center for Discovery where I spend two months. I am doing well but the state decides to send me to Rogers for 4 1/2 months. 17-Happy Birthday at Rogers! I leave two and half months after my birthday, 20 pounds lighter than my admit weight. I am being sent home under no false pretenses that I will get better. I do okay for a while, slowly losing and maintaining at a low weight, but then I am raped. I quit taking my insulin, and I begin to binge and purge. I take tons of laxatives a day, gorge, purge, omit insulin, and eventually have an acute MI. I feel sicker than I ever have in my life and now I want help, but is it too late? No place will take me. Finally, only two months before my 18th birthday I am able to go back to Center for Discovery. 18-Happy Birthday in Center for Discovery! I relapse shortly after leaving CFD, but it isn't nearly as bad as before. I am taking better care of myself than before, but it is still terrible. I am bingeing and purging constantly. I am finally admitted into UCLA in late April. Later, after discharge, I move out on my own in a different town and start college. 19-Happy Birthday in UCLA! I am 19 now. I have spent 4 1/2 months in UCLA this year, but I am doing well right now. I haven't let my ED get as bad as the year before. I am getting better, slowly. 9:01 AM - Sunday, Dec. 12, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
||||||