But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Not so Perfect

I pulled an all-nighter. I spent the whole time studying for my final in Sociology, making sure that I knew every answer. Then I walked to school in the pouring rain and arrived drenched. We had one hour to take the exam. I began. I thoroughly read each question as I went along, and realized that I had studied well. Suddenly the professor tells us we have two minutes left.
I had an essay left, ten short answer questions, and about eight multiple choice questions left. I blanked out. I froze. He gave me another three minutes when I stumbled up there, but I still had the short answer questions and essay. The most important part of the test. A zero. And I knew the answers.
I wanted to cry. I was the last one out of the class. The next class was standing outside the door, an angry mob ready to pounce me for taking away their instruction time. I quickly walked out, not bothering to put on my scarf or to button my jacket.
The wind was blowing fiercely, and the rain pounded in my face. I wanted to scream. To throw myself on the ground and cry. I arrived back at my apartment, drenched, and quickly threw my soaking clothes into the dryer.
I feel like such a failure today. I want to give up. Hide under the covers for eternity. Skip my exam tomorrow. Forget the world exists. Sorround myself with food, hide my meter in a place where I won't see it, and spend my days between the kitchen, toilet, and fridge.
I would hate it. But it would be comfortable. Comfort in the known. But I must face this, and I must continue to take care of myself. To prove that I don't have to be perfect in any way...

9:56 a.m. - 2004-12-08
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dying - living