But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One Purge, And I Got Back Up

I sat in front of the computer, watching it slowly move. Back and forth from chair to fridge I went. Finally I just grabbed the two bags of unopened tortillas and began to eat them. I then proceeded to eat two yogurts, two granola bars, and a box of Nabisco 100 Calorie Snack Packs.
My stomach churned in anger and pain. My brain screamed, "What the hell have you done?! You were doing so well. Well, now you really messed up..."
Sick, I walk to the bathroom, close the door, and jam my fingers down my throat. I don't even bother to remove my chunky ring. A few heaves, and suddenly everything is rushing out of my body, no effort at all.
A knock at the door. I don't answer. Go away. Please...
Baley and Joseph come in. She knocks on the bathroom. I flush, wash my hands, and come out. One look at me and she says, "Awww, Sweetie!"
"I swear, it is the first time I messed up. Really, I have been doing well!" I say to both of them.
Joseph tells me I look really good. "If I knew you would have been back I would have brought you a gift from the Carribean. How are you feeling? Are you doing better?"
I really like him. He has beautiful, stunning eyes, dark cury hair, and is intelligent. He doesn't judge me, and we get along well. But he is going out with Baley (still, even though she just cheated on him with his cousin) so he is off limits.
Later I went shopping with my neighbor for groceries. While I was checking out I said to the cashier, "Can you tell I don't like cooking?" (I had ten TV dinners.) She said, "It looks like you are on a diet, with everything low carb and fat free."
This surprised me, but I realized later that it is true. And I may be this way for a long time. I keep nothing in my house that I consider unsafe. I just make sure to get in enough calories, not binge and purge, and take my insulin. To me that is recovery. But my cart was full of Nabisco 100 Calorie Cracker Packs, Diet Dr.Pepper, Carb Countdown, fat free Fudgecicles, Skinny Cow ice cream bars, low carb tortillas, Dannon Light n' Fit, Lean Cuisine TV Dinners, Lettuce, Bell Peppers, and fat free cheese, and grilled chicken strips. I suppose it is a bit abnormal, but it is what I need to do right now to not relapse.
And today, I missed class. Again. I woke up late, and I almost passed out. My clothes were drenched from heavy night sweats as well. This almost makes me not want to do well. If I am going to feel sick doing well, why not feel like hell while being ill?
But I know the latter of the two is much worse... And I must get better. Because I am so tired of being so sick and tired. And for everyone here who supports me and believes in me. I could not do it without you. And I would never have come this far without you.

12:07 p.m. - 2004-12-07
0 comments

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dying - living