But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Fear of Food, or Something Bigger?

There is no salsa left in the refrigorator. Almost all the yogurts are gone, I had to buy more snack crackers, there are only a few cans of soda, my Carb Countdown dissappears faster than you can blink, and I have given up on buying granola bars. I love my roomie to death, but I just wish that I didn't seem to buy the food for both of us. She has literally gone grocery shopping once since I have been here. I seem to buy everything else. My neighbor next door finds it funny. He said, "Shiko* seems to just think that food is there, and will always be there. Not about where it comes from."
I have hinted several times that I really don't have a lot of money, at least not enough to grocery shop for two people. (And let me be honest. If I didn't buy all of the expensive light, fat-free, pre-made, and individually packaged name-brand products I wouldn't be as broke as I am.)
So that was my rant for the day. I am just waiting for the sky to fall once my mother realizes that I am spending about $300 a week. Still, it is cheaper than when I was bingeing. Before I went into the hospital I got myself into $7,000 worth of overdraw. I had spent about $9,000 in a month on food. So yes, maybe the sky will remain intact.
I am so worried about my grades. I almost didn't go to school today, so worn out from the 34 hours I spent up to study for the final I didn't even finish on time. It was a good thing I did go though, because I found out I have a final next week, not even at the normal class hour. I was surprised because we just had two exams, and the final is on material we haven't even covered yet. I suppose I have a weekend of studying to look forward to!
I notice that at about this time of the evening I realize that I am only at about 600 calories. I am not even hungry, but I know that I have to eat. Currently, it is more of a bother than anything else. I get up, go to the fridge, and decide what looks appealing. And nothing really looks bad, but I am still afraid of so many things. I count everything out, won't go over measurements, won't eat anything that I am not absolutely sure of the nutritional value, won't eat anything that tastes "too" good...
Not because I am afraid of the food, but because I am afraid that it will lead me to binge. I haven't had one of my favorite candy bars since before Thanksgiving. And after Thanksgiving was when I decided I was going to get better. Then I gave up everything I truly liked. I gave up everything that isn't low-fat or fat-free, or that is calorically dense. Because if there are things around I like, then I will binge.
It is tempting. I want a Reese's Fastbreak candy bar more than anything right now. I stare at my Oreo 100 Calorie Crackers and I frown.
God, how good that peanut butter and chocolate with nougat would taste...
Maybe when I am completely better. When I am not so afraid of bingeing and purging. When I don't have to fear relapsing. Because I know when I slip it is so hard to get back up. And one day when I slip I will die. I am running out of chances.

7:22 p.m. - 2004-12-09
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dying - living