But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Living to Die

I always wish that I had more time to catch up on people's blogs, say thank you for all the wonderful notes and guestbook entries I get personally... but I only get down here for twenty minutes once a week, twice at most.
It is so difficult knowing that I am only here for medical stabilization. I actually got up the nerve to ask Dr.Strober what he thought of me. I asked him if he thought I was a deadbeat patient. He said, "We don't think of anyone as deadbeat patients. Obviously this is a supportive and comfortable place for you, so you come back here for help."
I didn't know what to make of that. I really want some answers. I want to know if I am going to live or die. I feel my pants getting tighter, see my stomach hanging over my pants, and all I can think of is how I want to sleep forever. Starve to death. Lie in a bed with no food in the house, gray clouds and not a trace of blue in the sky. Because I am too afraid to face life. I cannot imagine a future. I really can't see myself as an old woman. I either see myself flying to a hospital, or on travel with an IV in my arm.
Last night I almost binged. In ten minutes. I went to the vending machine, bought candy, soda, opened it, and then smashed it. I didn't eat it.
But I can't decide if that is because I was afraid of being caught purging and gaining weight, or because I really want to get better.
I fear it is because I didn't want to gain weight, or be caught purging. I am so old. I am so tired. I am not my age. Every night I can't wait to hop into bed and succumb to sleep. I only live to eat, and for those who want me to live. And I live because I hope there is something better.Reaching for an unseen dream.

9:39 p.m. - 2004-11-07
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dying - living