But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Unreal

I wonder why I am here...
Nine pounds. I gained nine pounds in seven days.
I cannot tolerate it. I feel horrible. Disgusting. And the words keep running through my head. That I can't get better. That when I leave here it will all be the same. I have two more weeks. Then I am flying back to school. I cannot imagine a life without bingeing and purging. I cannot imagine a life where I am not focused on food, focused on ridding myself of calories, focused on doing well while feeling so ill...
Being bent on self destruction.
It is so odd being here. They send up trays at each meal. You must eat everything on your tray. There is no more to eat, and you cannot eat any less. Afterwards the dining area is locked, so there is no way that you could binge. All items brought in by visitors are searched. The doors are locked. Once off the unit, patients must be in eyesight of staff at all times. The bathrooms are locked. Staff follow you. You must crack the door while you use the restroom, until you are off observation.
No opportunity for screw-ups. And if you are an adult who messes up you are kicked out.
It is a break from reality. And I look up at the sky, I feel the sun shining on my back, the warmth tingling on my skin, and I know there is a better place than earth. And I pray that I am going there. That I don't have to be here much longer.
Because here I cannot live, I only survive in their hands.

9:49 p.m. - 2004-11-04
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dying - living