But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Back in the Hospital

I am back on the unit. Same place, same space. It all seems so small, so regulated. I came here Tuesday, as planned. When I arrived I wasn't feeling very well, and my pulse was above 140. By evening I couldn't understand much of what was said to me and just knew my chest hurt and felt so cold. I was sent to medical for the following two days. I was put on an insulin drip, potassium, magnesium, sodium chloride... the works. And a heart monitor. I has managed to slip into DKA, and my EKG was was off.
But I am feeling better now. And I feel trapped. I feel like I want to leave. I read a comment that my diary is proof that recovery is all hype, and I don't believe that for everyone, but I am truly beginning to believe that for myself.
All I want to do is binge and purge. To waste away and die. And I don't even know why anymore, except that is what I have to do.
We patients are a network. All of us know someone from somewhere else, and ask how that person is. We have all been to the same places. This is how we live. This is our lifestyle. We do not enjoy it.
I am so tired of feeling sick. I look up at the sky and it is so beatiful. I see th different shades of blue and the twinkling stars. I want to be there. I truly believe in Heaven. I am so ready to give up. I know that feeling well like I will shortly from rehydration, insulin therapy, refeeding, and therapy is a temporary fix. And I can't face feeling ill. Feeling weak, thirsty, chest pains, tired, nauseated, muscle cramps, dizziness, shortness of breath... I can't handle that again.
I really wish that God would just give me some answers.

9:40 p.m. - 2004-10-28
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dying - living