But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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A Slow Suicide: Uncontrollable
My vision is getting blurry, dissappearing a little more each time I run my sugars to the max, each time I throw up, each time I stare death in the face and take a step closer.
It has been very difficult. I don't know how I survived night before last. I ate half a gallon of ice cream, a bottle of Hershey's syrup, two oversized chocolate muffins, 1/2 a package of cookies, 2 cups of milk, a cup of beans, and a quesadilla. I had the full intention of purging, but once I leaned over the toilet bowl it seemed like the food was stuck in all the wrong places, and it just wouldn't budge. My heart was pounding and racing, and I felt incredibly weak and dizzy, with my vision fading fading in and out.
Three fingers down the throat, teeth scraping sores on hand. Other hand pushing on stomach. Dizzy, blackness, a tingling sensation. Only acid comes up. So I crawl into bed.
Not less than an hour later do I awake, parched and nauseated. I am ready to urinate in my PJs. I dash to the bathroom. Only acid. I drink three liters of Diet Dr.Pepper. About two liters of water. I crawl back into bed. I leave the lights on. They are a comfort.
This pattern continued on the hour for the next ten hours. I finally vomited around 2:00pm the next day, which was wicked.
And I continue to do it. I go out to eat at Chili's, come back, finish off a box of cereal, a box of cookies, milk with syrup, ice cream, pie....
Everything. Binge/purge. A slow suicide. My existence. At a party last night a girl began to talk about how she had lost quite a bit of weight, and I jumped in, saying she didn't need to lose any weight, that she did need to eat, and she was so drunk that she forgot what we were talking about, and started talking about something completely different. It made me so sad. I wish that I could save the world from this. That this illness never existed.
I wish I could be more than I am, though it seems like I am always striving to be less.
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(Leaving for IP at UCLA on Tuesday)
10:55 a.m. - 2004-10-24
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dying - living
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