But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Spinning

Sex, drugs, partying... When do we study? It is an ancient culture in modern day society. We all know better, we all know the consequences, but we keep it up. Do we even care?

I was suppossed to go get labs yesterday. I decided not to. Instead, I pulled $100 out of my account that I didn't have, and I went restaurant hopping. I went with my boyfriend. I broke up with him because of the drugs, but now we are back together. We binged, had sex, and then I puked. Really that is what my life is about these days. I see it flashing in front of my eyes, going bye, but it doesn't matter. It makes no sense, it is too fast to grasp, and it is too hard to ride. So I let life run over me.

My blood sugars are constantly "HI" I cannot afford my binge/purge habits, yet I keep them up. And physically, it is getting harder to keep food down. Everyone knows that I puke. It is too hard to hide, and I don't even care if they know anymore.

I binge in front of people, I puke while they are over. My friend wants to do her make-up. I am vomiting. She knows it. She tells me to open the door, to puke and pretend that she isn't there, because what difference does it make? Everyone knows, they all know.... It is no secret. But that is one thing I cannot do. A closed door pretends to keep a secret; a secret that everyone knows.

I walk in a daze. I sit in lectures, grasping nothing, retaining no information, staring at the clock, waiting until I can leave... Leave to go to the store, purchase massive quantities of food, and binge. Binge to purge.
Because lately it is harder not to....

I know I am dying from this. And I know it will all be okay, whether I do or not. Because all I have become is a drain, nothing, and soon that is all I will really be..."

8:32 p.m. - 2004-10-05
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dying - living