But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Standing Destiny

When I was younger, I never thought my life would be this way....
I remember walking along the sidewalk on a sunny day in the last few months of third grade. My best friend and I felt so mature. "Next year we are going to be in 4th grade!" Fourth grade meant playing on the big kid's playground, higher basketball hoops, and respect from the lower grades. We talked about who we were going to marry, how we were going to have kids at 16 (because that was so far away) our career goals, and how we were going to Stanford or Yale.
My best friend did have a baby at 16, and I spent the whole year in a hospital. Every plan I have made for life has turned out differently. There is no control. Each day I believe more and more in destiny.
My blood sugar is "HI" right now. I binged, let the shower water run, and purged. I don't care anymore. Because there is no use in fighting it. Fighting always brings you down even more. I will accept it. If this is what is to be, it will be. So I will binge and purge when I do, and I will starve some days... And some days I might even be okay.
Tomorrow I go back to my apartment. We have midterms. I really ought to be studying. But with a sugar this high, I can't take anything in. And I don't even care. Because tomorrow I will have to face more reality than I can bare in one day.
I read the words on my diary, and I really do wish that God would give me some answers...

10:11 p.m. - 2004-09-26
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dying - living