But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Out of Breath

I am sorry for all the pain I have caused, for everyone I hurt, for everyone who has faith in me, I am sorry.
Please don't believe in me, please just let me die...
I am at my neighbors house. It is almost 2:00am. I am here because I had to borrow the plunger. The plunger to unclog the toilet whos pipes are inlaid with puke.
How many times today? I no longer keep count. It is too many, too much. I am wearing sunglasses inside, because all light seems too bright. I see spots, I am weak, and I have trouble controlling my muscles.
A thought comes to my mind, from the movie, "Gia". She is coming off of drugs at a photo shoot, and needs cocaine. She screams, "I'm sick mother fuckers, I'm sick!"
And aren't we all? In our own way? I can't think. I know not what I am trying to say. The only things I think about are food, vomiting, and how I am failing in school. All I do is sleep, binge, and puke.
And when I get off of here I will eat something because I am hungry. And I will binge because I am scared that I ate. And I will puke because I feel sick.... Over 4,000 calories in a sitting, ten times a day... My grocery bill is hitting $50 minimum, each day, and I don't shop expensively. Not anymore, because I can't afford to anymore...
I am chronic. I am so tired of trying. I just wish that I could fall into a dreamless sleep, forever... Let the sleeping shallow breath be my last before I awake in the morning...
Don't breathe...

1:44 a.m. - 2004-10-08
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dying - living