But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Truth... I won't lie... It all comes down to this. I know how public this diary is, but I do not wish to lock it. I also don't wish to make it sound like my life is wonderful, no slips... I am screaming, falling, and I am not reaching to climb out. I doubt there is hope. I realize tomorrow will be the same. And I look forward to tomorrow for the good it will hold, because this eating disorder is eating my life. Beware, a trigger approaching... For those offended don't read any further. I have been losing almost a pound a day. I have been making sure to exercise. I have been making sure to study. But what is it doing for me? Anything? I cannot remember what I just read. Something about the Neolithic verses Paleolithic art, and different structures. I am cold, and then I am hot. I cannot sleep. I want to run. I took three Ativan and a Benadryl. I have no hunger. I am selfish. Self absorbed. I am having a great time. And I fear that in all of a blink of an eye it will be gone. That this isn't reality. I am not here. It is because I am scared. There are men here. And men that like me. Men that want my number, want to go out with me, try and reach out and touch me. Men that ask my roommates if I am home. And I am scared. Because the past comes into the future. And a different past is becoming the future in a different time, a different place. I am denying food, eating less, under 800 a day, at most... And I am so afraid that I will do it all again and ruin my chance to live... Really... I am... Pathetic. Staring at a screen, 3:00am, house asleep, I can't sleep, in tormoil, because I know the truth, but the truth is my secret, a reality hidden from all but those who read... And I am so afraid of what may come to pass. 2:34 a.m. - 2004-09-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
||||||