But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Feast of Famine I am here at my aunt's house. My mother came up to visit today. I guided her to my apartment by talking on the cell phone. She sighed to Paul, "She's lost weight." It angered me. Really, it seems like she thinks that I am always losing weight. But does that have to be the first thing she notices, the first thing she comments on? I suppose it has been hard to keep the weight on. I always fear famine, fear that there will not be enough to eat, so to prepare myself I don't eat enough. I fear that they will send me back there... To the place that I cannot imagine living in again. So I prepare myself for the worst. I prepare myself for starvation by reducing my intake. Only allowing myself what I need for energy, to keep my blood sugar levels good, to survive.... But I am happy. I am the happiest I have ever been. I adore college. I love where I am. I cannot imagine being anywhere else. It is hard to believe that I lived in the nightmare I once did, that it was actually a reality. But as I see the pounds slide off, I know that it wasn't a dream. I was there, I was once that way.... I know that I can become anything I want. I just hope that I have the strength to. I know longer care about being thin. I don't obsess over food. I just fear a famine, so I am not feeding myself properly. 8:55 p.m. - 2004-09-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
||||||