But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Ate Today... Normally And today I ate like a more normal person. And I was happy. I went out to dinner with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. I had chicken fajitas. Even earlier in the day I had a yogurt, cookie, and two mochas. It is amazing how much just adding more calories into the day can give a person more energy, and make them feel happier. I just keep having to tell myself that I want to live. I don't want to go back to what it was like almost two years ago. I can still recall it so clearly, and yet it still feels like a dream. Sitting up in bed, barely able to breathe, heart racing, food and soda wrappers covering the floor, blood sugar "HI," vision blurry, nauseated, and so incredibly weak. So weak that I couldn't walk from my bedroom to the bathroom, about 12 feet, without being covered in perspiration, as if I had just run a marathon. Never again... I will never go there again. Death would be mercy at that point. So no matter what, I must stay in recovery. I haven't purged in eight days now. That is my "Out of treatment" record. I will keep it up. I don't even feel like bingeing or purging, thankfully. I love school too much. I want to succeed. And my greatest fears are moving back home, and relapsing. So I will not binge and purge, I will not skip my insulin, and I will not starve. Because my fear of driving, of living, really is just a fear of the unknown... And when the known is feared, face the unknown. 10:32 p.m. - 2004-08-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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