But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riding The Merry-Go-Round Only one more day of being dropped off at college at 6:00am. It has become a routine : Go to college from 6:00-3:30, take a bus to the other college, get a ride from aunt, go to Summit at 5:00, leave there at 8:00, arrive home at 9:00pm... get ready for bed. I am so glad that I don't have to go to Summit tomorrow. I am tempted to complain of a stomach bug, and skip my one class tomorrow. Yet I will not. I would feel too guilty, and most likely fall into old patterns. Yet what am I doing now? I really don't know. I am consuming between 600 and 800 calories a day, mainly out of exhaustion, scheduling, and food prices at school, but I also know that I could be eating more. Yet I am now too afraid. I am afraid that if I quit the pattern that I began Monday, I will begin to binge. And I won't stop. I will consume everything. And I will start to binge and purge. And then I will start skipping my insulin. And then... But I know I could go down the same road this way as well, except that there is one difference. I am not hungry. If anything, I feel nauseated when I do eat. Everything I have eaten has been condensed, such as a yogurt or bottled drink. Why do I say this. Even as I think this the words recede in my mind, a blank slate appears, and I know longer know what point I am trying to make. You have all heard me say it before. And this is my chance to get better. This is my opportunity to live. Recovery or death. I have spent so much time being thin and sick, so much time in hospitals as a consequence, and I like being in college, I like having energy... So, I must ask, what drives me to do the things that all lead back to what I hate? To torment by starvation, which leads to bingeing and purging, hospitalization, medical complications, and really, just a waste of what could be a life into nothing at all? 9:51 p.m. - 2004-08-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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