But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To Forget What You Never Can The first day of college. I found all my classes, I wasn't late, and I didn't do anything to embarass myself. I kept to myself the whole time, didn't raise my hand to speak, didn't ask questions... Really I am scared. I am afraid of failure. The day was hard. I arrived at 6:30am, with nothing to do for an hour. I only drank a bottled mocha I brought with me, too afraid to get in line to purchase something, afraid that I would make a mistake, not knowing if you needed a student ID or not. I didn't take my potassium for three days. Today my legs were very cramped, and my toes froze up and folded over each other on one of my feet. I took it tonight, realizing that despite what I thought, I do need it. Directly afterwards I went to the dentist to get three fillings. It wasn't what I expected. I was afraid I would be in pain afterwards, but my mouth actually feels fine, just a bit sore. Not at all like the last time. Tomorrow I only have one class. The rest of the day will be spent studying, and signing a lease for the apartment. After that I will be going over to Summit, to start the Intensive Outpatient Program. I don't want to go. I want to forget about treatment. I want to forget that I have an eating disorder. I just want that to be in the past, and to focus on my studies. I plan for next semester to be better. I plan to be done with Summit, to have friends at college, and to not be so focused on my weight and what I eat. It seems like such a small dream, but to me it seems an impossible dream. Almost impossible... But doable. 7:43 p.m. - 2004-08-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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