But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- College Starts Tomorrow I went over... How could I go over? I woke up during the night and binged. Then I decided I would follow my meal plan today, because I knew if I didn't that if I cut out the amount of calories I ate in the early morning, (around 2:00am) I would probably wake up again tonight, and then I would binge again. And in the end I would gain more weight. So yes, I was over. I ate about twice the amount of calories in my meal plan. What if I do it again tonight? And the next night? What if I keep on eating in a sleepy daze, when nothing matters, before darkness touches dawn, and time seems to be irrelivent? I must stop. I have to sleep through the night. I cannot wake up anymore. I ate fries for the first time in months. I felt obligated to. We went out to dinner, and they came with my turkey sandwich. They were hot, greasy, thick, and long. They tasted like oil. I looked around the table and realized no one else was eating all of their dinner, and really I shouldn't have either. I had by far already met my calorie requirements. I left feeling sick, guilty, and a glutton. Tomorrow will be my first day of college. I am excited, but I am also scared. Excited to get a new start, that no one knows me, no one knows that I have an eating disorder, no one knows that I am Dimstar. I am scared because I don't know where any of my classes are. I am also scared because I have no idea what the people are like. Or how well I will do. Afterwards I have a dentist appointment. Three fillings at once. Soon I will have none of my own teeth, according to the dentist. I have no enamel, and they are very worn. Tomorrow, a new day. My clothes are layed out. A baggy pair of khakis, A long sleeved blue polo shirt, and a Jansport backpack, along with my sunglasses and white sandals. I have had the sandals for almost three years. I wear them everywhere, always. They are worn, yes, but I love them. Because I have walked miles in them, through the hardest time and the less hard times, and they are comfortable, they fit me. Somehow I know everything will be okay. I just have to get through the first week. 9:04 p.m. - 2004-08-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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