But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Falling into Darkness Sitting here, shaking, contemplating what to do... I binged. I swore I would not. It seems on the days that I do not binge I don't quite meet my exchanges, and I purged on the two days I did binge... And I want to purge. I feel sick. And shaky. I haven't taken my Novalog. Insulin, a need to live, a fearful thing. I binged because I couldn't get back into the class I dropped. Now I only have six units. I need twelve to keep my insurance. All the courses I tried were full. I panicked. If I lose my insurance I will owe over two million dollars. If I don't get my courses straightened out I will have to go back to were I came from. And if I go back... I won't go back. And I am out of time. I can't go to the college. Because I have to go to the eating disorders program from 7:30 to 4:00, every day. Back tomorrow. To be strip searched in the morning, told what to eat, watched while using the restroom, to talk about everything that really is nothing... I considered it. An Overdose. Why not? I have all the meds. A bit of pain, excruciating perhaphs, then nothing... And I don't even know why not anymore... Except that it feels so wrong. 10:12 p.m. - 2004-08-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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