But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fall or Fly My HbA1c was a 7.5. Amazing. I saw endocrinology today at UC Davis. Not even they understood the signifigance of that for me, considering it has been years since my HbA1c has been that low. Wow. My aunt didn't care. She was pissed that she had to take me to the appointment. She ordered me to get a sandwich as soon as she saw me, and I said, "No, I have to eat at the program." "I'm not taking you back there! I am not a taxi service!" So I didn't go back today. And on Monday I will feel the consequences. My mom and aunt drained my college fund and put it under their names, deciding that they were in charge of my finances. So not only am I suppossed to be on guest behavior, and be ordered around like a child, (such as my aunt wants to know all my medications, tells me what to eat, when to take classes, where to go with her, where I can't go, what to buy... everything..) But my finances are being drained in the process. I won't be able to afford a car. I won't be able to pay a rent payment in an emergency. I will be dependent on them. For everything. And my aunt threatens to send me back to Hell for everything (such as I didn't want a sandwich for lunch, when I strict orders not to eat out from the program) And I try not to be a bother. I offered to walk to the pharmacy. But she got irritated at me. And insisted that I get refills on meds that I don't need. (Well, it all comes out of my account.) And insisted that I buy socks, which I will never use. At the end of the day it backfired. She insisted that I have pizza with everyone else, and ordered me my own separate large. The receipt saved, going to be written down, drained from my account. So I ate it all. Then I proceeded to the cookies. And ice cream. I forced myself not to purge, took some Novalog, and fell asleep. A nightmare. Me. A continuation of the last one. Me dying in the hospital. Of malnutrition and lack of insulin. I wake up, head downstairs, and immediately consume 1/2 a loaf of bread with Nutella, more cookies, some protein bars, and Diet Coke. I panic. I can't run my sugars high. I can't take my insulin. Every time I see my reflection it is still a shock. All the weight I have gained... And I normally eat 1,400 calories a day. So I turn on the shower, lean over the toilet, and puke. The rings are off, the water on, the fingers push, the fist jams, and soon it is all over. I see the pizza, I taste bile. I jump in the shower,warm water and dizziness consume me.I wash away the evidence. Like nothing happened. So nothing ever did. I know I must stop. Because this is too easy. And I don't want it anymore. Every time I think I am good, I am really just okay, and when I am just okay, I am falling... Instead of falling I must fly.
11:39 p.m. - 2004-08-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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