But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If It Is All Wrong... Today was my last day as a partial patient at Sutter. And I was glad to leave, glad to be free. But now I am here at my aunt's house. And it is so hard not to binge and purge. Yet I am resisting. Because I am not hungry. And I know the reason I want to do it is because I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the thought of school starting on Monday, the thought that I have classes I don't even want, some I need but don't have... And the fact that I am such a burden. My aunt calls herself my taxi service. She glares at me when she comes to pick me up, and yells at me about the drive. I apologize. We play twenty questions. She must know all my medications, all the money I have, and she tells me what she wants me to be doing every hour. I know I am lucky to be here, away from home, but I wish there was a way that I didn't have to burden everyone, that I could make it on my own, that I could change the past... But I can't. They say I am slipping. At Sutter. I am bingeing and purging almost every other day. But I don't see it as slipping. I am managing to take my insulin, maintain my weight, and follow my meal plan, outside of the few times I binge and purge. Really, I am doing well, in my opinion. One of the new therapists there and I clashed heads quite frequently. She believed that you could get over any illness if you only believed that God would take it away from you enough, even cancer. So I asked her if she believed I could get over my diabetes. She said yes, I could, that I just needed to believe God would take it away and say positive affirmations. That illnesses were our own fault. I couldn't believe I was hearing her correctly, so I asked her three days in a row. Finally, I gave up. One of the other girls told me it was like beating a dead horse. And that night was the first night I just didn't care if I binged and purged. Because it didn't matter. So I ate a large dinner and a box of cereal. And I realized later when I didn't feel so guilty about it I didn't obsess as much about it, which made it much easier to not do immediately again. Maybe I have had this whole recovery thing wrong from the beginning... Maybe I am all wrong. Maybe I just don't know what I am doing. And maybe it doesn't have to be so dichotimist... I hope that I am truly figuring it out this time. 9:22 p.m. - 2004-08-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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