But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What Hell Did I Land In? I watch the clock. Only 7 hours and 22 minutes left. That is how I feel when I am there. Welcome to Hell #2. Sutter. The Summit partial eating disorder's day program is there. Yesterday was my first day. Today I wanted to run away before I walked through those locked double doors, admitting myself back into where I know I do not need to be, where I am scared to be, where I hate the fact that I am concious. Yesterday. They took me into a room. They handed me a gown. I assumed I was being weighed. I was being strip searched. They took my belt, lighter, phone, meter, and purse. Much more that when I was inpatient at UCLA, and all the things I would have been able to have in the partial program there. They switched my meal plan. They have me take my insulin after meals, because it is more convenient to them. I am back on observation after meals, because everyone in their program is. I have no place of my own to go. I must sit with the people who are unpredictable, some violent, and it is frightening. There are only three other girls with eating disorders. I am the youngest. They are 25, 39, and the next in her Forties. I must wonder, "What am I doing there?" The bad news is that not only will I have to have all my teeth replaced, capped, or root canalled within the next two years, my EKG came back bad today. The doctor became irritated with me when I looked at it and told him it wasn't that bad. It really wasn't. He was upset that I knew how to read it, but my previous doctors have showed me. I don't like it there. I am wasting time. I am not purging, I am following my UCLA meal plan, I am not skipping my insulin, and being there is really messing with my mind, because they want to change everything. Time is money. And my time and money should be towards housing and college right now, not towards eight hours and thirty minutes in a double door locked psych unit with a lady who keeps claiming she killed the baby Jesus and worships Satan. It is all wrong. I am tired of being nice. I am tired of going with the flow. If leaving the program didn't mean getting sent back to Hell #1 I would do it... Someone said there are nine stages of Hell. I think I am making my way up the ladder, hopefully to some sort of sanity. Because when pleasing others is killing you inside, in the end it will murder the happiness in us all. 12:42 a.m. - 2004-08-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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