But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fearful Of Fear I am out of UCLA. And it feels like I was never there, and that I was really never anywhere else at all. I was there for a long time. I spent the day in the car, with my mom and her separated husband. I don't think it has quite hit me that I am on my own, completely. No, it hasn't, and when it does, I will go into shock.. My aunt said that I could live with her. That was the original plan. And then, Friday, she decided that I could not. Because she doesn't believe in me. "You will just fall into old habits. You have spent over the amount in days of three years in hospitals over the past six years. Three months inpatient and three weeks of partial won't help. You will deteriorate." At the last minute. And I saw a shattered crystal ball, heard it ring in silence, and fall into nothing. My life, my future. I imagined myself eating the shards with a silver spoon, so beautiful and poison. My life, planning my future around family. Deadly, just like the consumption of glass. So right now I really have nothing. But I will find a way. Because this time I am not going home out of fear, or because there is nothing else. I will go on nothing. My mom is going to pay for a hotel while I stay in the Summit program. From there I will find a way to escape. And I am doing well. I am still fighting, I am still strong, despite the attempts to knock me down inflicted by those who say they love me the most. I am taking my insulin. I am following my meal plan. I am doing what I know I need to do to stay healthy, to have a life, to not live on the brink of death, to not only survive. The terrifying part is my fear. My fear drives me to insanity. I want to escape. I thought about it. Yesterday. And when I found out that I could possibly homeless. I decided that I could kill myself, because Hell most possibly is on earth. And I was fine with that... almost. But there is something holding me back, something that I fear I will miss, and fear keeps me from moving one way or the next, and it has for years. So I know I must go into the unknown, because what I do know is not what I want, but what I do best. And it just isn't something to be good at.... Perhaps the biggest fear to fear is fear of fear. 12:12 p.m. - 2004-08-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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