But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 19th Birthday Today Today is my 19th birthday. I am still here. I am still at UCLA. In the eating disorder's program. It has been three months. I am sorry that I have not updated in so long. We have not been able to have internet access, as they changed the summer schedule for library hours. But I have meant to update. A lot has happened. On July 4th I began to go downhill. First I chopped off all of my hair. Then I took laxatives. I had to go to medical for that, because of my heart conditions. Then I cut myself. But that was three weeks ago. And I am doing well. I expected to have a pass today to go out to lunch with my mother, but the treatment team decided against it because they feel that I am having to be pushed too hard to do my college applications and working out my financial situations. When I asked how that related to my passes, all of which I have been doing extremely well on, they could not give me an answer. No birthday cake. No meal out. "Basically we want you to do the same thing that you do every weekend." That was their answer. And I lay in my room and cried. Because I am never good enough. And their basis of why I cannot go out and have a good time is not valid. They couldn't even give me an answer as to how the two relate. They say it is not a punishment, and yet they cannot give me an answer as to what it is. The girls though, they are wonderful. They decorated my room, and made me birthday gifts. This morning they sung happy birthday to me. I almost left yesterday. But I had nowhere to go.... This is my 4th birthday in a row in a treatment center or hospital... Someone have a piece of cake for me. My wish is that this year I will not relapse back into the torment that has trapped me in darkness for so long... 10:12 a.m. - 2004-07-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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