But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mother I have stayed out of her way. I haven't asked for a thing. And when I do I offer to pay. I ask for one thing. A two minute drive to the store, so I can buy soda. And she screams at me. She calls me a selfish bitch. I start to cry. I realize living here makes me want to die. That is part of the reason I skip my insulin, that I have cut back on it since I left my aunt's house. "Shut up your crying. God damn it! Shut up Gwen! Fuck! Just shut the fuck up. No one wants to hear you cry!" And I try. But this makes it harder. A big lump wells in my throat. In this house there is no good. So I take a pen and stab the balloon that says "I Love You" and I put it back in her room. Because it is all a lie. "You are such a selfish bitch. You are so spoiled. Look at you. Stop your crying! I will take you to the store okay? Just shut up! You are intolerable. You are such a selfish brat. You could have gone earlier with me!" But I wasn't asked earlier. So she takes me. And I go and buy her soda as well. And I restock my grandparent's house, and I get some for our house. I spend $42 on diet soda. And then she is happy. "I love you sweetie. You are so confused. You know I love you, don't you?" She wraps her arms around me into a hug, and I feel suffocated. A python is slithering about me, sucking the life out of me, and I am trapped. All I can do is accept it. It is the only way to be set free. "I love you too." But do I? I do so much that it hurts. That when she tells me that I am the most selfish person on earth I pray for death. No one else calls me selfish. No one else screams at me. Yet I am afraid to leave this house... I want to cut across my heart. Bleed away all the pain. Throw it up. Starve it out. Push it down with food. Slowly waste away... I woke up because I could not breathe. I was gasping for air. My legs have been cramping up, my chest has been feeling funny. Tomorrow I have to go in and let the vampires drain me of blood for pointless tests. They only reveal what I already know, yet what I will not, what I cannot change. At least not for long... Forgive me. I am tired. Tomorrow will be better, a more beautiful day, the sun will shine, and all will be forgotten... I just wish she loved me... a little more... or less... 3:03 a.m. - 2004-04-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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