But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fear Residing All Around It starts with vanilla ice cream, covered in chocolate syrup. Then another bowl. The movie is boring. I move to the candy in the drawer, slowly sucking each piece down, chewing, swallowing, then eating faster. Before I realize what I have done, half of the Hershey's syrup is gone, the carton of ice cream is nearly empty, all the candy consumed, and only a few sodas left in the fridge. "Fat bitch. You are so unworthy. Look what you do. You eat everything, yet you deserve nothing!" I am suddenly filled with fear. My stomach is so distented that I cannot see my feet. It takes no thought. I know what I must do. I make my way to the bathroom, stick my fingers down my throat, gag a few times on the cheap new plastic ring that my little cousin and I won from a toy machine, and let all the hideousness pour out of me. I am not even at my own house. The house, so perfect, before untainted by me, is now part of my secret shame. I wipe up the splatter, Wash up, and walk out, back to the movie, "The Hours." It never happened. No one will know. My stomach is flat again, I am empty, the bathroom is clean, and my fear of an osmolar coma is gone. I ignore the leg cramps, the fuzzy spots in front of my eyes, the parched mouth. I do not want to be me, so therefore I pretend that I do not own this body. Strangely calm, I walk home, and turn to this computer. Yet I know the truth. I am again hungry, and this brings me back to reality. I am scared. I am not going to UCLA until Monday, because that is when Endocrine will be in. It seems like I wait forever. The day will never come. I count the hours, tell myself I can make it, but is it all a dream..? I am hungry. I need insulin. I want neither. I want to scream, but I keep silent. I feel tears behind my eyes, but I push them back to a lump in my throat. All out of fear.... 10:32 p.m. - 2004-04-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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