But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Slip Up, Pick Up The edema finally left. And making it go exhausted me. I slept all day, only awaking for more fluids. And I was so nauseated. But I took my insulin. And I kept myself from eating the entire house. I thought about it and went and stood in the rain instead. Because this is hell. It is a sick, perverse hell to gorge, purge, skip insulin, all to lose weight... When it kills you. So I was able to stop myself. And it was so difficult. I did have one binge in the evening, but I stopped myself at midnight. I am so scared. Last time I took my insulin I gained twelve pounds in two days. I was a puff ball. Granted I lost it all, but that also made me feel very ill. Gain weight and mentally I feel as if death would be better. Lose weight and physically I feel as if I am dying... Every second that my brain ticks away at this is agony. It runs like a quarts clock, never stopping, tick, tock, tick... Sometimes I think I am going insane...
4:09 a.m. - 2004-02-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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