But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Terrified I must apologize for my short absense. My computer has been acting funny and I am having a hard time getting on the internet. And for fear of dissappointing you all... Where to begin... Depression. It is a beast. It veils everything in darkness, making me blind to the light. It takes away any purpose to life, conceals all reason, and makes all fears reality. It must be slain. But it is great. Who is greater than it? Who is strong enough to defeat the beast? When darkness consumes, you are blind. And when you are blind you cannot see what you are looking for. And I am blinded. Hidden behind a veil that separates me from the light. And I am so terrified. Terrified and frustrated. For in my blindess I slipped and fell, what I thought would be a small fall, picked myself up again, and off a cliff I fell... 12 pounds, like twelve leaps up a steap mountain with no trail. It is no wonder I should fall. In two days. And so... So I ate poison... Literally. Old chicken fajitas. Three weeks old. Rank. Reeking. And I knew they would make me ill. Yet I forced myself to eat them, telling myself that is what I deserved. And I was sick... Vomiting, puffy, nothing staying in, everything leaving up or down, it didn't matter, I deserved it. And I slept. And ate. And skipped my insulin again. And my fear and frustration and depression is so great that I want to claw my skin off, cry, scream, bury myself alive, for this is hell. To feel your body dying bit by bit every second and to know that it doesn't have to be that way and that technically it can be stopped but that you cannot stop it is hell. And it is so horrible. Worse than words can express. And every day I think I can stop it. And some days I do better than others. And I try and grasp what makes me do okay on those days. But I always return to this... Blood thick with sugar, syrup. Mouth filled with sand, parched. Heart of a humming bird, racing. Eyes swimming with emotion, empty. The body, frustrated, holding on, straining, for how much longer? Hungry for everything, unfulfilled, but full of fear, stuff it down, starve, gorge, dwindle away, be gone... And...I..Am...So..Sorry... To fail you all... 3:15 a.m. - 2004-02-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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