But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All My Heart I took more insulin than I usually do today, but not nearly as much as I should. I am going to try and take it day by day. Yesterday going from about three units a day to thirty was way too hard on my body. I spent the whole night sweating, heart pounding, and my blood sugar wasn't even low. It was 190. I hate to think how high it must have been for thirty units to get it down to that. I actually had to make it high again to get some sleep. But I felt better. I was actually able to clean the house and do five hours worth of homework. But I did binge. My mom bought about five different kinds of candy and baked enchiladas. I resisted purging, however, and I did take 17 units of insulin. Not nearly as much as I should have for the amount I consumed, but a big improvement from three units. And I can feel it. I can walk down the hall without feeling like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. But it is also making me terribly hungry, which is so scary. So I have an idea. I am going to make an appointment with a dietician to help me come up with a suitable meal plan. Because right now I truly am lost as how I should eat. Odd, considering how many times I have been in treatment, but I have been on so many different plans that I am confused. Confused and terrified. What if I do the wrong thing? What if I gain too much weight? In other news, I saw Him yesterday, and it terrified me. I am so scared of him. And I had nightmares all night. But I am determined not to let him slip me up as he always had in the past. Because I am tired of being weak. And it is time that I get strong. This is not like me. I do not know where this is coming from, this sense of strength, this sense that I can be someone, and it also scares me. But I am so sick of being so sick. And I have visions of myself with a cane, stumbling in darkness, blind, on my way to my dialysis appointment. And that is dreadful... So I must get better. Thank you all for your support. I fear that I will fail you, and that is my biggest fear of all, dissapointing you all, like I did when I came back from Center for Discovery. I will try my hardest. I have never truly given up, and I do not plan on it now. You are my pillars of strength... And I owe my heart to you... 1:51 a.m. - 2004-02-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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