But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Deaf Ear Thursday night. The house is quiet, and the only light is ommited from the computer screen. No classes for three days. A sigh of relief escapes my lips. Now I can sit in my room, lock the door, drink my Diet Coke, watch movies, study, binge, purge, skip my insulin... and it doesn't matter if I feel too sick to do anything. The fact that that is the first thought about what I want to do with my weekend scares and frustrates me. Why? Why do I feel this insane drive to harm my body? To isolate myself from the word? It frustrates me so much that I want to run a razor across my arm, a shiny silver blade, and watch the thick red ooze out, releasing all this tension and pain. Last night was not an easy night. I consumed an entire box of graham crackers, a bag of Oreos, and some cake. Did I march out to the backyard and puke? No. I simply decided to skip my insulin. But it wasn't simple. Every twenty minutes I was up, guzzling a Diet Coke, water, Crystal Light, anything to quench my parched mouth, but nothing would. Nauseated, dizzy, stuffed, meter reading "HI." Why do I perservere? To dissappear. I lost weight. And there is a brief high, but it is not enough. It is never enough. So today I said I wouldn't do that. I would take my insulin, eat normally..etc.. And I did, until about 8:45pm... And then I binged and purged, binged some more, and skipped my insulin. Why am I still here? I am so tired of living in fear. My nurse says the only possible explanation for my still being alive is that God has a plan for me. So I better recover. Fighting for something I cannot see. Dying for something I do not know. Begging for mercy, screaming, but the words grow cold... Who is there to listen? Perhaphs someone too far too reach, or only a deaf ear? 1:01 p.m. - 2004-01-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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