But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trying Not to Fall I didn't go to class today, I couldn't. I felt too tired, too nauseated, and too anxious. I am so scared of college. So scared to be around people. I get in the halls and immediately I want to run away. My face flushes, I shake violently, my throat tightens, and it takes every ounce of energy I have to hold back tears and keep calm. Why? A voice inside me says, "They all hate you! You don't deserve to be here. No one wants you here. You are too stupid to be in college. You are going to fail. LEAVE!" But I cannot. I must stay. Stay and pray that the teacher does not notice me, that if anyone says anything to me I know what they are talking about, and that I don't have to go to the bathroom during class. The latter is my biggest fear, oddly. Not a single person has left to use the restroom, and I feel like I am going to burst by the end of my class. I don't know if I should ask to leave, or just walk out. I am so naive. So today. I pondered, cried, and binged. I typed and re-typed my psych paper, purged, skipped my insulin, and cried some more. My mom says that I should be locked up. That I am irrational, that I shouldn't hate myself so much, and that twenty years from now I wouldn't be allowed to associate with society. And the tears flowed even more. I am stretched between death and recovery, fighting a losing battle, falling, scratching an invisible wall, trying to climb back up, but is it too steep? Maybe I should end it all... 12:27 p.m. - 2004-01-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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