But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lurking I am so tired, but I can't sleep. So much to do, but I can't think. My body is rebelling. I had to take the SATs on Saturday morning, A surprise my aunt dropped like a bomb on me on Friday, and I gained seven pounds overnight. Then, today, I gained another two pounds... And I am not doing anything differently. My hands are so puffy that my skin split, and my stomach feels ready to burst.My lower back has been hurting extremely bad lately as well, which means dreading car rides and plenty of Tylenol. And my solution is no answer to the problem. Angry, panicky, I step into the kitchen and gorge myself on thousands of empty calories to fill an emotional void that is a black hole. It only fills the physical. I become hot, sweaty, and I feel my skin stretch even more. Clean the house, organize the videos, do schoolwork.... Finally feel content. And then She walks in with almost $400 worth of groceries. I want to cry. Thirty bags, one big ice chest, and four boxes, all of food. Why? I am stuck to put them away all by myself. Everyone else is overwhelmed by the task, so they leave me, the lone sole, to do it. I clean out the fridge, clean out the freezer, and begin the long process. It takes me almost two hours. Two hours to put away four-hundred dollars worth of food. AND I WANT TO SCREAM To cut, to rip my hair out.Binge, purge. To ask, "Why was it necessary to buy so much food? To shop for eight hours, when we have no money? Yes, I understand the stores here are on strike, but I am bulimic and someday I want to try and get better!" Silence. A deadly chill, lurking, consuming my soul, waiting to consume my flesh. 2:25 p.m. - 2004-01-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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