But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wanting I made it through my first college class. I took 30 units of insulin tonight, binged, but didn't purge... And it is so hard. I really want recovery, but there are also consequences to that. My energy sinks to an even lower level temporarily, my vision goes, I get terrible edema, and my potassium becomes extremely low from the acids leaving my blood stream. But I have to try. I cannot live like this forever, in fear, wondering each night if I will make it through the darkness to see the morning's light. We, as humans, have an amazing capacity to feel, learn, love, hate, and judge. I try not to judge others, but I am very critical on myself. And because I am so critical of myself, the quest for perfection has made me into someone I loathe. But not anymore.. I must get better. I must... In other news, I might have a job soon at Game Crazy. I am a bit fearful that I will see the one person I fear most in the world there, but I must try. I want to be so much more, but physically so much less... Do I know what I want? 11:54 a.m. - 2004-01-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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