But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silently Dying Tommorrow I start college. How will I survive? The frequent bathroom runs, the constant thirst, the terrible hunger... My mom told me to leave if I didn't start college. So I enrolled. Because I have nowhere to go, no way of supporting myself, because I am not done with high school... Because I am petrified. I do not want to leave the house. I will pick the desk in the corner, sit quietly, take notes, try to be invisible, and hope that no one speaks to me. And I have to get straight an A in everything. They expect it of me. It would have been better if I had not been an A student all my life. Now there is no room for mistakes, no allowance for failure. Fools! You realize not what you do! I am dying to live up to your expectations, your standards, jumping because you hold the puppet strings, screaming in silence because I am not allowed to speak, and you don't even care. I am DYING for you! And I want to die to escape you, because there is no other escape. I can be 1,000 miles away, but I cannot get away from you. You have inflicted wounds too deep to see, wounds too deep to heal. And they hurt. They are excruciating. Mom, you call me stupid. Alex, you tell me to fuck off. You both call me a bitch. It is my fault that I am sick. It is my fault that my medications for my diabetes cost so much. It is my fault that the sun isn't shining today... And it drains me, like sand in an hour glass. Binge, purge, skip the insulin, feed the mouth, purge... But it is not enough. I want to cut my skin off, bleed all over the white carpet, scream for eternity... Silence. Darkened by hate that is not my own, I cry out a bloody scream... But do you hear, no you cannot... So I die from the inside out, Silently. 10:58 a.m. - 2004-01-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
||||||