But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Deadly Diabetes I finally went to the DMV and got my permit. It is about time. Wow. It took me forever, but I did it. I tried so long, but I always ended up in the hospital, or too weak to make it to try. But I did it. Now, to convince my mother to let me drive... Then, I came home, prepared dinner, went to the movies with my mother and friend, binged, purged, and studied. The purging, the skipping my insulin, is killing me. I am so weak. I had to force myself to get up today. I was so tired. I know it is the high blood sugar more than anything. It makes me cry. It is so much easier not to purge than it is to take a shot. A shot means allowing glucose to flood my cells, allow nourishment in, allow the pounds to pound on, to make me fat. Why does that scare me so much? Yes, it is just as much an eating disorder as anorexia and bulimia. If you had told me that three years ago I would have scoffed at you. Now I know the truth. A truth I wish I had never found out. A bit of knowledge I could have done without. In diabetics it is an increasing epidemic. And how I wish it wasn't. So, out of fear of dying from high blood sugar in the night, I grab a towel, stagger out in the freezing cold, stick my fingers down my throat, lean over, gag, punch my stomach, gag more... Nothing. Panic. I must do it again. So I do. Finally a bit comes up. Relief floods me. I repeat this act for a half an hour, freezing, shaking, but I know that I must get it all up, because I can't allow insulin in my system, and something tells me if I don't get up this bag of Reese's Pieces, this bag of M&M's, this pizza, that the sugar in my blood will overload my system, kill me.. And I am done... I am okay... Am I really okay? 11:39 p.m. - 2003-11-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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