But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sucking Away All Good I had to see my cardiologist today. When I tried to explain to her that I had gone to Center for Discovery but I had relapsed she looked at me like I had come from the moon. It was very uncomfortable. How did I respond to this? Calmly while I was there, but as soon as I walked in the door I found food. Pumpkin pie, Little Debbies, cereal, cake.... I devour it all, washing it all down with Diet Coke and water. Skip the insulin. It makes you gain weight. If you take it you have to purge. If you don't take it, you don't have to purge. The thoughts keep on swarming. Take insulin, gain weight. Take insulin, you have to throw up. But I can't throw up. There are six people here, including my best friend. So I skip it. I know I can die. My blood is a thick, bright red color, syrupy, mainly glucose. My urine, rank with sugar that cannot be absorbed. My tongue, coated with brown fuzz, resembles that of someone who is suffering from typhoid. But I am not. Stomach puffed out, hands and feet puffy with edema, I am ashamed. I will not eat tomorrow. I will exercise and I will not eat. What a joke. I couldn't run twenty feet if a lion was chasing me. So I pray. I pray that I won't go into severe DKA, that I won't gain weight, that I will lose just one pound. That I won't be over ridden with a thirst so strong that I drink the last soda. I did that a few days ago. Mom: "Dim, you suck up everything good in life!" Screaming yelling, eyes glazed over with hate. My brother even said Mom likes him more than me, even though she "Loves us both." And so, they cannot deal with me. I eat them out of house and home, I ruin the plumbing, I cost too much, I embarass them... Because of this, it is time to ship me off again. To them, treatment is a way of getting rid of me. To me, it is another attempt at taking control of my life, so that I don't feel so ashamed of myself, so unworthy, so that I don't devour everything in sight, leave piles of puke in the backyard, clog the plumbing, become weak, tired, too tired to get out of bed... So I don't kill myself on accident. 3:17 a.m. - 2003-10-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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