But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dreams of Talking Vegetables I am so tired. Why? I had to take a big dose of insulin. My heart was racing and I couldn't catch my breath. My legs feel like jello. I am so weak. Why do I persist? Because I must lose weight. My one wish is that I can go just one day without bingeing and purging. Just one day where I take my insulin. My vision is getting bad again. I can't do my econ. homework. It is giving me a headache. What do I tell my teacher? On Monday I see my cardiologist. She is so sweet. I know she will clear me for Rogers so I don't have to go back into a medical hospital. She did with CFD when she saw how desperate I was last time. I had a dream that vegetables were talking to me in the kitchen about Rogers, and giving me advice. In my dream I hesitated to tell my mom, but I did and she told me I was crazy, even while they talked to me in the kitchen. When she said that they suddenly turned back into ordinary vegetables, and I became frightened. I felt so lost. In another dream I went to the mountains with my family to search for someone. I think it was a friend or my brother. In my heart I knew they had been murdered, but I continued searching. Then I went to KFC (which I have only eaten at once in my life and never would) and gorged myself on fries and chicken. I woke up at 11:08pm. How did I sleep for so long? Maybe it was a good thing... I decided to have soup. I opened a can and saw a mouse skitter across the counter. After eating it I tried to keep it down. What is the point? My stomach was so upset and the Zofram wasn't helping. So I tredged into the backyard and did what I do every day, over and over again. The damned scale refuses to go down. My metabolism is shot. I am hungry. I am hungry and nauseated. Tomorrow I am going to see Tali. (dancingcow.diaryland.com) I know we will have fun. Last time we binged on donuts and ended up puking at my mom's doctor's office. That won't happen this time. I am so tired of bulimia. Maybe I will wear my shirt that says, "Eating Disorders Come In One Size: Miserable." Can you imagine the looks I will get for that? Okay, I have rambled enough. Take care everyone. 1:39 a.m. - 2003-10-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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