But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Resolutions I am so sorry if I have let any of you down. Sorry for getting your hopes up. Please, don't look to me for strength, for I am not strong enough to take care of myself. Thank you to numbers-game for getting my g-book working. All of my entries were going to guestbook hell, which is username.signmyguestbook.com. It seems to be the place for lost entries. I really tried today. I took my insulin this morning and I didn't purge. I have identified my worst binge times. They are in the middle of the night and when I have to study. I am going to try and be more aware of this to help prevent it. Tonight I binged and I tried so hard not to purge, but it was impossible. The longer I sat with it the sicker I felt. Care for me to elaborate? Here is what I ate. 4c.Choc. Soy 2oz. M&Ms 1 loaf bread. 2 tubs Hummus 9oz. Salmon 2c. salad 1 Butterfinger bar 3 pkgs. Crisp Ems 1/4c. Nutella 1 brownie 2 bananas 3oz. ham Okay, and that was just my binge. I say, props to me for actually trying not to purge, but I was too nauseated not to. So, like a creature of the jungle, I slinked into the backyard, towel in hand, leaned over, and vomited. Like an exploding volcano everything shot out, four feet in front of me. My mother walked into the backyard. I crouched very still behind the brush. My heart pounded with fear at her catching sight of me, but thankfully she did not. I headed back into the house, rinsed my mouth out, and looked into the mirror. A bit of acne, something I have rarely had to deal with in my life. I shall contribute that to puking. My face looks a bit more hollow than it did a few days ago, which is odd, considering I have been purging and I have managed to maintain my weight. All I think is, "Hmmmm...." I am oddly detached. I do not feel like a human, and because I am not a human, I am not a being, and therefore I matter not. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will not binge, I will not purge, I will take my insulin, I will paint my nails, I will study for my Econ. test, I will be P E R F E C T. I won't let you down. I will be what I am expected to be. 12:01 a.m. - 2003-09-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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