But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All I Am Okay, anyone, I just found out all my g-book notes are going to some place in hell, and if anyone would be willing to help me fix this error I would be very thankful. PLEASE! Leave me a NOTE if you can ;) Maybe it shouldn't make me happy, but maybe it should. I can negate it. I went out to Arbies to eat lunch with a few of my friends, and, if it hadn't been for talking to one of the best staff from the treatment center I stayed at, there was no way it would have stayed down. Right before we left I had binged and purged as it is. This is becoming incorporated back into my life just as breathing is. My friend's grandfather liked me. He liked me in a lude way. My friend told me that his girlfriends are around 18, 19, and 20. It took me a few moments for me to believe her. The whole highlight of this ordeal is that he finally decided I was too thin for him. Sick? Yes. Make my day? Yes. One of my friends from treatment is moving in with me. I really care about her, but I am scared about what a bad influence I will be, and how embarassed I will be if I cannot quit bingeing. She doesn't understand bingeing. She cannot understand my act of ommiting insulin. One of my friends made me check my sugars. Both times the meter flashed "HI" even after a large dose of Novalog. Good. I am one step closer to realizing "IT" I do not know what that entails, but I can feel it. I want "IT" so badly I can taste it, taste something I long for that without I am parched, lonely, and melancholy forever. I taste the salty teers as they slide down my cheeks, begging for an answer to the problem I have not figured out. I woke up on the sofa this morning. I do not know how I got there. Last night I was in my bed. I don't recall moving. I had a hideous dream of waking up abandoned in my house, in the middle of a beautiful field. I walked around and spotted two surly men, and only then did I realize that I was in my underwear. I woke up clinging to my covers, knowing that I woke myself up before they raped me. Take my heart. Fuck me to death. Kill me, I beg of you. 7:55 p.m. - 2003-09-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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