But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unrecognized All I can think is, "Please, tell me you have to go, because I really need to puke right now." I don't know if I care anymore. My mom took me shopping after school today. I tell her I aced my English test. "That's great," she replies. I realize that the only way I could possibly get any reaction, positive or negative out of anyone, is if I recieved any grade lower than an A. Sometimes it is tempting to do this, but I could not bare it. I would kill myself if I got anything lower than an A. I thought it over many times, and I honestly would. Instead of pondering this possibility, I come home and binge. I cannot get food off of my mind. I eat anything and everything. I cannot stop. If I eat, I must binge. If I starve, I must touch nothing. So here is what I consume. 4 veggie dogs 2c. lasagna 4c. spinach 2oz. cheese 1/2c. M&Ms 2c. Choc Soy Milk 4 Hummus sandwiches 1c. refried beans 3c. peaches In between all this I purge twice. There was more, but I cannot remember it all. I am posessed. This force will not release me. I want to be free of it so much that I can feel the pain of trying. Yet it feels that I do not try. It is so easy to purge. Within a moment everything is flowing up, and within three minutes it is over. I look at the glass and I see my reflection. It is so wrong. I must change it. If I look better they will like me. Everyone is kinder to the thinnest people. I want to be so thin that I break under the slightest touch. Thin enough so you cannot grasp me. Thin enough so that I am not here. I stare deeply into my eyes, and I realize I do not recognize the person staring back. She seems trapped, lost inside of something she does not know. I am nobody. I am a thing. I am here to be your puppet. Fuck my soul. I will only wonder if I pleased you. 11:30 p.m. - 2003-09-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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