But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Slip Up I tried so hard yesterday, I really did. I suppose it was inevitable. My two weeks of completely eating disorder free behavior, excluding bingeing, have passed. I ended up baking brownies. My mom had made salmon. I was hungry, and I was upset. I was also anxious, and needed something to do, yet I found it impossible to concentrate on anything. So I began to eat. I ate green beans with salmon and LF sour cream. Then I made a brownie sundae. Then I made another brownie sundae. I felt sick. "I can keep it down. I am ok" Next scene: Me, leaning over the kitchen sink, everything quiet except the sound of vomit slinking down the garbage disposal. Three fingers down my throat, me there, but somewhere else as well, thinking of all the atrocities of other things, thinking of what I have become, thinking of anything but the fact that I am doing this. The swirls of dark brown ooze down, taking a piece of me with them, and I can only hope it was the sourness of my soul, because if not there are sure to be more miserably bitter moments until there can be no more. Starlight, starbright, please don't let me puke tonight. 7:17 a.m. - 2003-08-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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