But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Wish... Today has been a much better day. I didn't binge or purge, and I took my insulin. I don't think I ate as much as I should have, but I am sure that I will eat more tonight. I have loads of schoolwork to do, so it will be a long night. Jori is over here with me. We reminiced over the old times. It is quite interesting and yet sad to hear about what other people thought of me. To know that no one thought I would live, to know that my mom cried whenever she talked about the possibility of me not making it, to know how much pain I put others through. I am so sorry to everyone. Mike actually called me. He called me four times, bought me cigarettes, and seems completely fine with the fact that I expressed to him that what I did was something I had never done before, that I am really goal oriented, and that I plan to keep my schooling as top priority. I am scared though. There is something more scary to me about living a normal life with partying than there is about always being sick. Jori told me that Paul actually found my diary, but didn't read it. My mom saw him on the internet and began to. I suppose it isn't such a terrible thing, just another leash. I fear expressing my true feelings in it now, for my privacy has been abolished. Truly though, was there really ever any? My mom had been flipping through my meter while I was out tonight. She saw how some of the sugar levels have read HI. She became very scared and angry at me, but called everyone else that has ever managed my medical or psychiatric care before confronting me. The honest truth is the levels were from my friend Dime. She doesn't manage her diabetes, and when she was here I finally helped her to get her numbers under better control. I was so scared she was going to die. She acted like a toddler for a few hours, until finally administering 50 units of Novalog to herself. Then insisted on drinking. I see her inside me, and I worry. This beautiful girl who has always been my friend, who I did gymnastics with at age four, who laughs and listens and whose eyes sparkle. I see what she is doing, and it scares me. I want to take care of her, of everyone. I wish... I wish the world was okay. 12:49 a.m. - 2003-08-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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