But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sweet and Sour This weekend was a sweet taste of what my life would have been like if I had never developed an eating disorder, and a sweet taste of what can be if I stay healthy. I went to parties. I stayed up all night and woke up in the late afternoon. Unfortunately, because of my previous experience with a certain guy, my fear of what can happen seems to come off as bitchy and sarcastic. I almost drank but I did not. My friends would not allow this, thank God. I give in to pressure much too easily. My doctors have told me that I will have a seizure if I drink because of my heart condition and diabetes. The thought is so tempting though. Trade one behavior for another. Drink away my fears, my life, my reality. Get sloshed. Instead I nominated myself for hair-holder-upper, which, gratefully, did not become necessary, much to my suprise. I worry though. My friend S* is in pre-med and is so sensitive. One comment from a drunk guy that she was putting on a show and she cries. The words rolling out of her mouth, "Would you even cared if I died? No, you wouldn't." Tears streaming down her face. I worry. We go to two guys' beach house. They are 25 and 26. They know we are 18 and 19. We end up watching MTV. Interesting night. One of them makes out with one of my friends. We leave. We sleep in. We go get coffee and pizza. We head back home. The night was beautiful, as was the night before. The city comes alive. I stand up, and gaze at the stars, and I make a wish on Mars. It has to count for something. It won't be this bright for another 60 million years. I never want it to end. Like all things, it passes. Time, the one thing we cannot stop. And if we could, would we? I look at myself, and wonder, why have I done all of this to my body? Why, after 78 days of treatment more, do I immediately start smoking? Why do I crave a thinness that I can never achieve? Why do I feel so empty, so lonely, in a crowded room? Why am I so sad? I ate just fine. Every meal consisted of when everyone was hungry at the same time. I will never admit true hunger. I will never admit want for food. I ended up losing four pounds, yet I am unsure as to how. I ate when I was hungry, I quit when I was full. I ate as much as everyone else... Treatment really sped up my metabolism. I suppose gaining 36 pounds will do that to you. I crave a taste of salt, I taste, the bittersweet reality. I crave a bit of sugar, and once gone, I crave more. If I had never had the sweet taste of what could be, would I miss it? When the flesh doesn't bleed, when the body isn't hollow, then the soul must face emptiness. One day, soon, it will be more sweet than sour. 12:13 a.m. - 2003-08-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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